Coby Archa (Palau)

Here's a fun drinking game that will guarantee you''ll die from alcohol poisoning: pop in the Survivor Palau DVD and take a shot every time Coby bitches about something. You'll be blitzed by episode 4.

So you're on Survivor. You're hungry, you're cold, you've been going on 3 hours of sleep for the past several days, and you're just plain miserable. Unfortunately for Koror, they had the added wrinkle of having Coby on their team who made it his personal goal to bitch about how sucky everyone was around him. His bitter mood began to leak through and as Ian confessioned 'Everyone [was] getting pretty tired of it.' As were the rest of us viewers which is why Coby only lived through a single Tribal Council.

It's interesting to see how hard Coby fucks up in his boot episode as well. For whatever reason, Coby decided to spread a whole bunch of gossip to Steph about how jealous all the ladies were of her. This went over for him about as well as you'd expect since Steph spilled the news to everyone else and killed any hope he may of had for allies. His mistakes didn't end there. When he jumped into the water for a doughnut at an immunity challenge Gregg joked at him to 'save him a bite' to which Coby condescendingly laughed and proceeded to make a big show out of his snack by doing everything but crowing 'awww you guys don't even know what you're missing' in between licking his fingers. Don't take your vote out as a compliment Coby. It sure as hell wasn't one....


Courtney Marit (Exile Island)

Poor Courtney. She was the first to get the butt of all the 'least liked person' votes in the 'splinter alliances' challenge You could almost feel bad for her but we were all forced to watch her soooooooo.....yeaaaahhhhh.

There's really not too much more to Courtney other than when she didn't seem batshit nuts with her 'free love and peace broooo' attitude she wasn't very likable. It'd probably help her if she wasn't doing yoga in other peoples rock garden. When your closest ally is Insane Shane, and most people still vote on you being the biggest poser and most annoying person, you got some bad character flaws.


Michelle Chase (Gabon)

There's a solid reason Michelle got the first boot in her season. Turns out the last thing hungry, tired uncomfortable human beings want to deal with is a person who bitches, moans, whines and complains about the world (in a past world, her and Coby ended up on a team together and the entire tribes eardrums exploded). Oh yeah, if you want to add fuel to the fire, also talk about how stupid and horrible they are at life. I think if GC had said he sucked at the first challenge on purpose in order to get her annoying attitude out of the jungle, he may have been able to sell it.

Michelle certainly lacked the mental and social skills needed by like a whole lot. Enough to be a physical power and STILL have her team dislike her enough to get rid of her instead of the weaker and slightly-less-annoying-but-still pretty-annoying Gillian. Also, if you're gonna complain about how much your teammates suck at life, maybe you shouldn't let your final moment on the reunion show be you nervously ranting on live TV like a person who sucks at life? Just saying....

Sarah Jones (Marquesas)

So do you think Sarah goes through life thinking that she was very close to being the Mrs. Boston Rob and having the 15 minutes of fame that Amber once had? If only she could've made it past premerge, who knows what she and Rob could've had.

Unfortunately, Sarah was booted early for...sucking. It seemed liked everyone on her Maaramu team had the same point of view that Sarah was a pretty useless, lazy team member who's most useful feature was being used as a flotation device (for two big, perky reasons). Well everyone except BRob, who even stated in an interview that she was more a useful ally then someone he genuinely liked being around (how does he keep getting women to agree that making out is better when you're breath reeks so bad it feels like a physical kick in the face?).

Point blank, Sarah didn't really have a lot of positive features to really make her likable, even with the fair editing in the early Survivor years.



Ozzy Lusth (Cook Islands, Fans vs Favorites, South Pacific)

Nope. Not an Ozzy man. Loved him at Cook Islands, annoyed as shit at him in South Pacific.

How in the world could you not root for Ozzy by the end of Cook Islands. The kid seemed to be genetically designed for Survivor with his monkey climbing skills, dolphin swimming abilities, and gazelle running speed. He is still regarded as one of the best challenge performers in the shows history. He had the underdog label as a member of the Aitu 4 who made one of the biggest comebacks ever and he came in second place when lost by a single vote. Even though he had some poor moments at times (purposefully losing to vote out Billy), bringing him back as a favorite was an easy call.

Unfortunately, now that Ozzy knows the world thinks he's awesome, he has no problem acting out the 'man,-I'm-sooooo-awesome' role. Ozzy made the poor strategic choice of telling everyone at his camp the right way to do things which pissed off anyone not willing to suck his dick (I'm looking at you Erik). Since it landed him in the leadership role that never does well, Ozzy had to backtrack under the 'no, I'm not the leader guys really' tactic. Didn't work.

As a mental, strategic player, Ozzy was a mess. In South Pacific, he used the Redemption Island twist to try and trick the opposing tribe, Upolu, into thinking he hated his former team and would pretend to vote with them. This was a decent plan that could've been pulled off if Ozzy didn't give one of the worst acting performances in front of the entire cast that made Tara Reid look like Jack Nicholson. The plan didn't even come close to working out. Hell, even his fake HII plan in Micronesia was stolen from another, better player from another season.

And while we're on that, Ozzy's behavior toward Eliza was just douch-y. There's no other way to describe it. I mean, I feel how frustrating it might of been to live with something who looked and sounded like Eliza, but when the girl is on the outs and getting her voted out is just a matter of time, what's the point of mocking and laughing at her misfortune? 'C'mon Jeff. That took hours to make.' Ugh....fuck him so hard for doing that because it put me in the weird position of trying to pick a side between this prick and Eliza and Jason.....

And has anyone ever noticed that every time Ozzy doesn't get his way he becomes this big, whiny, pouty, hurt attitude? I swear, it's like clockwork. When Flicka was voted out in Cook Islands, when Elyse was voted out in South Pacific, and when Cochran flipped on him, his attitude is always the same whiny, emo 'wow, you guys turned on me. I thought we were all a team, but I guess we're not. I'm gonna go mope in a coconut tree...'

All this and I haven't even covered his big moment: the Micronesia jury speech. So staying true to his 'I'm-so-awesome-but-am-also-a--douche-who-likes-to-whine-when-he-doesn't-get-his-way' attitude, Ozzy yelled, insulted and sore-losered the hell outta Parvati and then turn the whole thing around with 'Amanda, I think I was falling in love with you' (which I think he was confused with 'love for camera time') before dramatically smacking himself in the face like a wack job.

Whew, lot to cover with that guy. He had a lot of poor moments and I hope he'll never be asked back. Maybe Comedy Bang! Bang! will work out better for him.