Heidi Strobel (Amazon)

Jenna's equally awful partner in crime.

Heidi had no issue jumping into a majority alliance as quickly as possible and then immediately sit on her ass and watch the ugly people pick up her slack. First, Joanna called her and her crew out on their laziness, which she simply shrugged off as 'meh. Who cares? My alliance is gonna beat your alliance.' This continued all the way til her foursome with Jenna, Alex, and Rob when they all lied around on their backs with the same awful attitude of 'don't gotta.' Of course, when Alex screwed her over by going to Rob and spelling out for him it would be in his best interest to jump ship, Heidi decided now was the perfect time to continue being just as terrible as ever, this time with her excuse changing to 'what's the point? They're just gonna vote me out anyway.' Heidi, it's okay. You can say 'I'm used to avoiding physical labor by flashing my tits.' There's a certain amount of respect to be gained from that at least.

Of course, the only thing worse then her work ethic was her pitiful jury question. In a last ditch attempt to try and make herself feel better about losing and believe she was as special as the dumb boys trying to get in her pants said, Heidi decided to get Matthew and/or Jenna to jerk herself off with the 'anyone here more deserving then you?' question. When they both gave the wrong answer ('not you'), she continued to make herself more pathetic, saying 'I mean....is that the only person?' before Jeff had to tell her to sit down and stop making an ass of herself.



Lindsey Richter (Africa)

Lindsey sucked. From her walk across Africa to her final words, Lindsey was truly a painful sight to behold.

First, no one cares about your period Lindsey. I don't know who you were trying to bond with (and am even more mystified that it worked apparently since she got an alliance out of the deal) but that's info you should keep to yourself.

Second, I know you're excited to be in a competition and all, but there is a thing called 'trying too hard.' When Lindsey wasn't giving quivering confessionals about how overwhelmed she was feeling, she was trying her best to be a badass. My favorite 'Lindsey sucks' moment came when she suspected that Silas may be lying to her about what side he was on and gave what I assume is her idea of an intimidating face as he explained his side of the story, but only ended up just looking like a crazy girlfriend who needs to know why you couldn't pick up your phone after the second ring.

Lastly, if there is information you want kept private--like oh say--votes casts against you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to shut your Goddamn gob about it. Lindsey took the complete opposite approach and blah blah blahed the ears off her allies Kim and Brandon about how important it was that the ex-Boran members not get the intel that she has votes against her. Finally, her luck ran out when she needed to have yet another conversation about it and Kelly was within a mile radius of her loud mouth and got her voted out. It was a fitting end to what I consider one of the worst Survivor players ever.

Stephenie LaGrossa (Palau, Guatemala, Heroes vs Villains)

If you've read any of my previous rankings, you might of noticed I don't particularly care for Stephenie, but there was actually a point in time I really loved her. In Palau, she had a very strong competitive spirit, which was very rare for women at this point in the show for a female and, more importantly, Stephenie knew how to take care of herself. It was a breath of fresh air to finally have a girl who didn't need a father-type, boyfriend-type, brother-type, mother-type bond with another castaway in the show. And after her entire tribe got the boot and she was left at camp all alone, how could you not root for her?

Unfortunately, by the time Guatemala came around, Steph did a total 180. She was completely irrational, took criticism very poorly, and I got so sick and tired of hearing the 'I'm tired of being on the team of losers cuz everyone sucks except me cuz I mean just look at how awesome I am' confessionals she just couldn't resist blabbering.  It's amazing how quickly my feelings went from joy and excitement on seeing her return to joy and excitement to seeing a jury rip her to shreds in the course of one season.

Osten Taylor (Pearl Islands)

Here he is everyone. The original quitter.

The Morgan tribe made a lot of mistakes on their season, but giving Osten the role of MVP was probably the worst one. Hell, the biggest master plan this genius could come up with was taking his pants off in an attempt to distract the other team. Spoiler warning: it didn't work. The guy also had quite the lists of fears as we watched him freak the fuck out over bugs, a pelican, the ocean, and watching his body deteriorate.

After sucking challenge after challenge after challenge and then sucking at camp day after day after day, Osten decided that sucking was getting too hard for him to handle and decided to seal his suck legacy by being the first Survivor quitter.


Mia Galeotalanza (Vanuatu)

I'm not sure if there are many people who remember much about Mia other than the blowup she had at Twila and that's a large reason she got ranked as low as she did, but I also remember Mia being really dumb as well.

The particular example I'm thinking of is when John K asked to have the women divided up from the girls that voted for Dolly from the girls that didn't vote for Dolly. Anyone who's seen an episode of Survivor could tell you what he was doing, but Mia being true to Mia form could only roll her eyes and scoff at how entirely pointless the whole thing was because Mia can't figure out the simple concept of tribe division and how valuable that information can be.

And yes, Mia also bitched out Twila because Twila answered a simple question about work ethic and said 'some work harder then others' but Mia had water in her ears or something cause she heard 'nobody does work except me' and went on a rant that it was Twila's only card to play and blah blah blah. We all were mumbling bitch under our breaths the same time Mia was after that ordeal,  but not about the same person.

'Rocky' Reid (Fiji)

Yet another awful member in the Fiji cast.

What can you say about a guy who starts his Final Words with 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!'? Rocky was a loud, abrasive, emotional tool. When he wasn't picking fights with his enemies, he was picking fights with his tribemates. And when that wasn't enough, he was picking fights with his own alliance members.

What's your favorite worst Rocky moment? Mine is the hilarious Rocky reasoning that Anthony's main issue in life is he doesn't know how to stand up for what's his. Because in the world of Rocky, anybody who keeps their mouth shut because they'd rather not have to listen to the pile of bullshit that runs out of his mouth is a sign that you're a major pussy.

True story: Rocky is the only Survivor I've had the pleasure of talking to on the phone and I'm pleased to inform you he's just as big a douche as he was on the show.


Parvati Shallow (Cook Islands, Fans vs Favorites, Heroes vs Villains)

Yeah, yeah. I'm fully aware the amount of disagreement I'm gonna get on this one, but I'm a huge hater of arguably the most popular female there is on Survivor.

My theory is people are so happy to finally have a female Survivor player who knows how to play the game as ruthlessly and as good as all the men the show keeps pimpin out. We have BRob, Ozzy, Coach, Phillip, Russell, Hatch and Rupert as big Survivor personalities. Before Parvati came, the best edit a female got was the Stephanie Lagrossa route (and she fucked that up in Guatemala).  Parvati proved in FvF and confirmed in HvV that she is more than just a pretty face and fans ate her up. A strong, smart woman who didn't get the 'mom, weak, cute little girl' edit, but a Survivor player edit.

And I'm not against that. I love women who can prove they have the chops to go toe-to-toe against the Ozzy's and the Rupert's. No, my main issue with Parvati is while she has the mind of a player, she still has the personality of a dumb, sorority girl.  She plays the flirtation card way too hard, she's been labeled as lazy in at least two of her three seasons, she talks as if she's playing a dumb bimbo role in a Seth MacFarlane show, and (prior to popular belief) she's not the best speaker at TCs (biggest example come from her answers at Candice's boot episode in CI and her FTC in FvF).

I'm sure there are a lot of people who will say that it's only a role she plays in order to seem nonthreatening in the game and that very well may be true, but I also think there is a lot of her real personality in these moments and it doesn't make it any less annoying for me.


Jenna Morasca (Amazon, All Stars)

I just want to be clear, I love Jenna. I've seen her in several interviews throughout her former relationship with Ethan and the girl as grown into a mature, funny, amazing young woman. But by my rules, this is not a ranking on how I like Survivor based on where they are in life now. This is strictly what was seen on the show and during that time, Jenna was no sunflower.

I don't know what else I can say about Jenna that wasn't already covered in her winners ranking writeup. Jenna had a very poor personality and it showed in her poor gameplay when she shunned out all the people she didn't like and treated them as her own personal doormat. She blabbed to rocket scientist Dave about her entire tribe and where they stood in her head (even saying to him 'gee I probably shouldn't be telling you this stuff, buuuuuuuuut daw well. *shoves food into face*). And the icing on the cake? Complaining that life was soooooo hard because she was just so gosh darn beautiful as she sat next to a deaf woman who she despised. Classy....


Terry Deitz (Exile Island, Second Chance)

Terry possesses one of the worst qualities in a human being and that is he thinks he is just the most damned awesome person on the whole planet.

I'm not saying it's a self-confidence thing or taking pride in your work. I'm saying Terry's head is so far up his own ass, he will shake his head in disappointment at you for not taking him to the end to aid him win a million dollars as he said to Danielle. He thinks he's so Star Spangled Awesome, that if you call him an unfair name or label, let's just say....oh....a womanizer....he thinks the best punishment there is for you is to ask for an apology or he will cut all relationship ties to you completely cuz what's worse than having a person of his caliber removed from you life, right?

And the irony is this guy sucks as a Survivor player. How badly? He can't even win when he has the infamous 'overpowered idol' because he doesn't know how to use it. Instead of using it as a way to help his comrades, Terry decided to hoard the thing to himself and use it as a tool to aggressively jump down the throats of the Casaya alliance. As Cirie correctly pointed out, he was a man who could offer nothing, yet spoke to you as if he had everything. Cuz don't forget.....AWESOME!!

In Second Chance, I got the same exact vibe.

Lex van den Berghe (Africa, All Stars)

I remember how much I used to love Lex when I first watched him in Africa. But I also used to love Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then I grew up and found that crap disgusting. Point is, I now know a sore loser when I see one and Lex is nothing but if only the top sore loser out of the entire Survivor roster with maybe the exception of Russell Hantz.

Allow me to recap the story: in AllStars Lex had a key opportunity to take out Amber, an ex-member of the opponent tribe and was an easy target for his tribe to take out and even the numbers at merge for the two teams. But Lex thought 'naw, that's too easy. I'll exploit my outside friendship with Boston Rob to my advantage, spare Amber, and then Boston Rob will owe me and stand aside to watch me win the game.'

That's right everyone. Lex mixes personal relationships with his strategy which is as dangerous as mixing alcohol with rape. So of course we can imagine how personal Lex took it when Rob said 'I lied. Gonna go win this game we're all playing now...' After being voted out, Lex relished every minute of ripping Rob a new one in his jury speech because Lex can't admit when he fucked up.

You can see this same level of 'I feel so betrayed' bullshit from Lex when he approaches Tom in Africa. Teresa throws Tom under the bus in a last ditch effort to save herself and Lex gets on his high horse over it. And do I really need to go into why 'following your gut' as opposed to common sense is a bad idea?

Bottom line: Lex is a terrible Survivor player and what's worse, he has zero idea how to separate personal feelings with the game itself.

Candice Woodstock/Cody (Cook Islands, Heroes vs Villains, Blood vs Water)

Candice has been on the show three seasons and all three times she's done something that made me roll my eyes at her sheer stupidity.

And it's not like it had to be that way. I loved Candice when I first saw her on Cook Islands. She was a fierce competitor and seemed to have a solid head on her shoulders. But the latter soon was thrown out the window when she foolishly mutinied and was sucking Adams face. But none of that compared to her super shitty jury question when she asked a question to Yul that was purposefully designed to make him look like either a) a liar or b) a scumbag just because she's so insecure she needed to feel smarter then him for a brief moment. Yay for jury power abuse.

Her IQ apparently didn't go any higher when she foolishly jumped from her Heroes team (who'd she blow to get on that tribe?) into the awaiting arms of Russell Hantz despite Sandra spelling out for her why it was a bad move. And then in Blood vs Water she got all 'you mess with my man, you mess with me' which is an attitude that only annoys and pisses off everyone else.

Katie Gallagher (Palau)

I hear a lot of criticism thrown Tom's way for his bullying on Ian and how he's the ugliest piece of scum there is in Palau, but I think Katie's behavior toward Ian was much worse.

In case I'm unclear, Katie decided to leave her old alliance of Ian and Tom for Gregg and Jenn. At a reward challenge, Ian and Tom's suspicions became confirmed when Katie knocked out Ian over Gregg (arms behind her back, batting her eyelashes and saying to Ian 'would you hate me' in that cutesy voice women do to get their way without looking like the bad guy). In a last ditch effort to save themselves, Tom and Ian joined up with Caryn and told Katie the vote was for Caryn. At the last second, Ian informed Katie that the vote was really for Gregg and unless Katie wanted to risk going home on a rock draw, she should switch her vote to Gregg which she begrudgingly did.

Then at another challenge, Ian picked Tom over Katie for a dinner and Katie handled it the only way Katie knew how: pouting, giving Ian the cold shoulder, and making Ian feel like he was the piece of crap for going back on his promise to her when she was the one who was planning on betraying him. Even going so far as to sob because she was just sooooooo hurt by the way he handled himself.

She got even worse when she brought up how pissed she was at Ian for his last minute move to take out Gregg at a TC. When Probst pressed Ian on it, Ian replied 'what benefit does it serve me to tell Katie earlier or later' to which Katie responded 'because then I have more time to think if I want to go with Gregg and Jenn or not.' Yeah that's right, this whole pissy attitude she had towards Ian was over the fact that he did not give her more time to think about screwing him over.

There's the other stuff like whining that Tom is being mean to her and loving how easy the game is for her when she did near nothing to earn any of it, but this is the key moment that makes Katie my most disliked Palau member.

Jenna Lewis (Borneo, All Stars)

You know, I'm sure I could make some sort of joke that thanks whatever dude was in Jenna's....'special' video for putting something in her mouth that would prevent us from having to listen to her speak more, but it's just too easy.

Yes, Jenna is my most disliked Survivor original. I didn't like her in Borneo and I sure as shit didn't like her in All-Stars. In fact, she was one of only two castaways in season 8 that I believe didn't offer any sort of All Star purpose. She wasn't a strong strategist or competitor like Rob C or Tina, she wasn't exactly super popular like Colby or Big Tom, and she wasn't memorable like Jerri or Richard (in fact, I believe I read that Jenna was actually a backup and was flown out when Colleen turned down the offer, which made much more sense, but did it have to be from Borneo?).

Jenna's main problem is her annoying personality. She has a mouth that can go a mile a minute (insert easy 'leaked sex video' joke here), a voice that makes her sound like a 45 year old chain smoker, and a bitchy attitude. She bitched about Shii Ann being too annoying (the irony), she bitched about Elisabeth crying too much, and bitched that winners have no right to be playing Survivor for a second time which takes the cake in terms of awful reasoning to want to vote a person out.


Ghandia Johnson (Thailand)

Like Robb, Ghandia is an example on why being an invisible, boring personality is sometimes better than being memorable.

We all know the moment I'm talking about. Ghandia felt violated by her teammate Ted and just exploded. Let me be clear on something: I don't buy Ted's story. I don't buy that in some half-asleep state, Ted used Ghandia as a horizontal stripper pole thinking it was his wife. But regardless of if Ted is telling the truth or not, Ghandia didn't exactly handle it full of class herself. Instead of working it out between her and Ted and/or after the game was over, she decided to use it as a way to boot Ted off, skewing her story to make Ted look worse then he did in the incident. Then when she got wind that Ted denied the thing entirely to others (which to be fair, was something he shouldn't of done) she decided to bring her entire team and two bystanders into an awkward situation that involved her throwing a fit that would've made Brandon Hantz bow his head in embarrassment for being associated with her. Some may have seen an emotional woman who's feelings boiled over, but I just saw....well....Clay summed it up best, I think.

And it isn't just that particular moment. Ghandia also displayed some bad personality traits as well. She just seemed like someone so eager to be awesome at anything she could so she jumped out of the boat in the first immunity challenge, botched up the puzzle, and solely lost the challenge for her team. And not in a admirable way. Especially after the way she sobbed back to her beach yelling angrily 'those lucky bastards (which, if you're referring to the fact that Sook Jai decided not to pick you on their team, then yeah. I suppose they were lucky)! She wasn't someone I wanted to see a lot of and I was very happy to see her go.

Robb Zbacnik (Thailand)

It's ironic cause Robb was probably the biggest personality in a season season filled with borewhores.

You know those types of dumb, punk kids we all get annoyed with. You know, they probably smoked when they were 12, wear pants that are 4 sizes too large for them, talk way too loud and aggressively to cops, teachers, parents, and other authoritative figure, can't keep a job for more then a few weeks cause they don't go when they don't feel like it, and are just a total waste in human society? Well that's what I think when I look at Robb. Just a punk moron who tries way too hard to be relevant in things he has no idea about. Like Survivor or choking people.

Oh but there's more underneath his thick skin everyone. Robb is totally deep and meaningful. Just look at his pitiful moment in his boot episode where he sobbed about how important loved ones were and how much he just missed his father. I mean, I get it was supposed to be a moving moment, but it just reaked of sappy, over-the-top, pathetic, awkward, 'I'm-totally-not-just-a-loud-less-popular-Fairplay'-ness. If he didn't suck so bad, I may have bought it, but he did.

Lisi Linares (Fiji)

We've had plenty of awful jurors in Survivor and Fiji wasn't in any short supply. but in my opinion, Lisi holds the title for worst juror in the history of the show. It's not just that she's a sore loser or she's bitter or she used her juror power as an excuse to make wild, wrong accusations only to instantly snap at the person for making an attempt to defend themselves. No Lisi goes beyond that. Lisi will take her juror authority and use it to try and make an uneducated person look stupid on TV.

We all know what I'm talking about. Her 'how many zero's are in a million' question. That has got to be the most trashiest thing a juror has done. Worse then Alex, worse then Lex, worse then....anyone really. Somebody she didn't like beat her and instead of accepting it, Lisi decided to try and humiliate him because she sucks as a human being.

It doesn't help her case that the nutcase is also fuckin annoying. 'I'm so pissed to be going to Exile. I want to quit. I want to stay. I like you guys. I hate you guys.' She was so indecisive I'm not entirely convinced there's no unused footage of her throwing away voting parchment from changing her mind so much.


'Johnny Fairplay' Dalton (Pearl Islands, Fans vs Favorites)

You know it really blows my mind how many people consider Fairplay an awesome Survivor character. He's not. He's just a loud, obnoxious kid just begging to still be relevant. Remember his comment about finding the bottle in the water with a message saying his grandmother died before giving off that douchey laugh of his? Yeah that's right. 9 seasons later and Fairplay is still trying to remind us of the one thing we remember him for because what else does this idiot have?

Does it really need to be said? Fairplay sucks. He's annoying, loud, has a terrible personality, dumb, and has no spine. He's the prime example of that moron you meet at a party that mentions 'oh yeah and I'm a father' and you're immediate thought is 'oh God, that poor thing....' As Probst said, he's not just a failure in the game but he's a failure at life and it's never more evident then when he's on a Survivor show trying to act like he knows what he's talking about. Fuck this guy for taking up a perfectly good slot in season 16.


Alex Angarita (Fiji)

Yet another example of someone who should not be given any sort of authoritative power as he would abuse the shit out of it. Lisi might be the worse juror of all time, but Alex comes in close second.

And it's such a shame because up until his jury speech, I really liked Alex. His biggest offense was aligning himself with people I disliked much more then the people they were going up against. But he seemed like a decent enough person

Which is why I was so surprised when he went absolutely apeshit on Cassandra out of nowhere. I don't know if Alex figured he should do something he considered was awesome because he's a lawyer, but he just ended up looking like a total prick because of it. His accusation that Cassandra simply used Stacy to her benefit until she didn't need her anymore was so illogical it was like watching an episode of Nancy Grace. Just making up wild accusations all over the place and waiting to see what would stick. And instead of listening to her defense, Alex took his senseless attitude a step further and basically did everything in his verbal power to make sure no one had any idea what she was saying.

"You are mistaken! It doesn't matter! I have all the information! You don't get to speak!"

And then he says 'maybe if I said it in Spanish! Edgardo, would you like to translate?!?!?!' which wasn't just stupid, but made no fucking sense. The entire scene made so little sense I'm not entirely sure there wasn't something we didn't get to see off camera. But given the way Alex was, the way Cassandra was, and how little Stacy seemed to care about whatever awful thing Cassandra did to her, I'm willing to bet this was just Alex using his final on camera moments to try and look like some sort of wicked, badass lawyer but just ended up being another Rocky. It might have been Alex's one true 'ugly' moment, but it's so bad he jumps straight to the bottom of the pile.

Judd Sergeant (Guatemala)

Jesus Christ do I hate this guy. I really hate this guy. I hate this guy! I hate his voice, I hate the way he talks, I hate his attitude, I hate his shit-eating grin, I hate his philosophy on life, I hate that he still has life. I haaaaaaaate Judd.

In fact, I'd say the only good thing that came out of Judd was miserably failing at multiple things because of what a huge dumbass he was. Case and point: the first hidden immunity idol. At TC, Jeff asks Judd if he has some sort of morale compass when he plays the game. Rather then just replying 'no', Judd decides to make a big show of it and ramble about how he's never lied but everyone else is lying all over the place. When pressed, he continues by calling out Gary and saying Gary is making deals with everyone he can when Gary, in an example of pure brilliance, calls Judd out on his own lie about where the HII was hidden. Judd has no choice but to smirk, use 'I'm a bad liar' as an excuse for everyone to forgive him, and put on his best shit-eating grin.

That moment is only fun cause it was at Judd's expense though, which, unfortunately, didn't happen too often. Watching Judd outright bully Margaret and then rub salt in her wounds when she was voted out was disgusting. Having him blow up at everyone after he stole someone else's beer and get all defensive about it only to have an interview where 'he deserves more beer then the rest of them' made me want to shove his arm through a table saw. Hearing him say 'man' at the end of every FUCKING sentence was like getting hit in the temple by a sledgehammer.

I had a cigarette after his demise. Was sooooooo good to watch.


Alicia Rosa (One World)

Colton's awful partner in crime.

The main thing that made me really despise Alicia was her weird way of bitching about how awful Christina was after she went to the men and negotiated a way to get them to help them out. You remember how awful those women were doing at the start of the game? I sure as hell do. I remember the women were just flat out helping themselves into the mens camp and sitting by their fire to the point the men had to tell them 'um....you're our enemy. You have to go.' And then I remember Chelsea getting all pissed off about it and sobbing about how cold her hands were and saying the men were just so mean for not just giving them free stuff. They were miserable. So Christina decided to help out the team by swallowing her pride and asking if the men would make them a fire and in return the ladies would roll up some palms. Sounded reasonable. So Alicia interviews how happy she is that they finally figured out a plan to get something they so desperately needed right? Of course not. Instead she complains that Christina is being too nicey nice and Alicia wants to weave the palms at her camp, not the mens.

Now I wasn't completely in love with the way the guys treated the women (stealing an ax, asking them to get naked and all that), but this was the only scene I can remember where the women actually made progress with getting the dumbasses to help them. I thought that was pretty cool, but Alicia was such a PoS that she decided to make the whole situation an issue. How and why would you take 'hey we're finally getting fire' into 'I want to punch Christina in the face for trying to make nice with the the other team'? That's what crappy people do.

Of course, she only got worse. She not only cackled hilariously at Coltons nasty comments, but actually tried to be a bigger shit stain then him. She deliberately tried to be the biggest headache she could be by leaving little to no room for Christina in the shelter, calling her nasty names, and even comparing her to her special needs students. Stay classy Alicia.

I'd say fuck her, but I'd hope people would have better standards then that.

Joel Anderson (Fans vs Favorites)

I said it once before and I'll say it again: Joel single-handedly destroyed his tribe way more than Russell Hantz ever did. And that infuriates me.

I was really rooting for the Fans in Micronesia. I truly was. I didn't want to see a whole season of the veterans mopping up the floor with the noobs. But thanks to Joel's shitty attitude, low IQ, and piss poor strategy, he couldn't of paved the roads for the favorites any better if he knocked out the kneecaps of his teammates with lead pipes.

There was zero sense...none...to keeping Chet over Mary and Mikey. I can appreciate taking out a threat in the game, but on day 6? What the fuck sense does it make? Mikey could not have phrased it any better: Joel was too busy playing a long-term game and not playing a team vs team game that would help keep his team united and help him later on down the road. And what was the huge plan that Joel became so intimated by it warranted an entire game suicide? A simple idol split. That's right. Parvati is partially a millionaire because Mikey had the kuh-razy idear to split the votes a specific way due to an idol. Not even a hidden idol. In other words, 'smart man make big sense. Smart man scare Joel! Help me team Joel team. Joel can't think too much cuz it make Joel brain itch.' I will not understand why you would want to make your majority alliance smaller and keep the minority alliance who hates you all over one meh move thought up by another guy.

And can I just take a minute to say how much I loooooooooove the fact that his poor strategic game came to bite him in the ass? He righteously got what he deserved. An early and humiliating kick in the ass on the way out the door by the very people he despised.

Oh yeah, and also all the douchey yelling. "CHET GET OUT OF THE WATER." "KATHY! STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOME WORK" "CHET! STOP MAKING ME DRAG YOU THROUGH THE DEBRIS AND HITTING YOUR FACE ON POINTY STICKS! I'M JOEL! I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF THIS SHOW!" Idiot.....




That's Agent Lex's Top 10 most disliked Survivors.

Russell Hantz (Samoa, Heroes vs Villains, Redemption Island)

Here's the little hobbit.

Russell is a person you either really like or really dislike. If you're the delusional type of person who thinks Russell 'is the true winner' or have a 'bitter jury' concept then chances are we all know what camp you fall into.

Let me make it clear: I don't think Russell is a bad Survivor player. On the contrary, he's pretty good. But that's it. He's good. Not great, not amazing, not 'the Babe Ruth or Michael Jordan of Survivor.' A solid 7 out of 10 player. Maybe 8.5 on a good day. But nowhere near the caliber Russell and his followers believe.

And right there is the main issue with Russell. Russell wants credit for anything and everything he can get his tiny, gremlin hands on. There isn't anything wrong with taking pride in your accomplishments, but Russell's self-entitlement was so terrible and douchey, he couldn't keep it hidden from 2 juries. And that's the main reason why he lost and will never be a great player.

Russell's self-entitlement is so awful he even pats himself on the back for things he either a) didn't do on his own or b) aren't even that impressive. So you lied about being in a hurricane? Big deal. Frat boys do shit like that all the time to get laid at bars. You want all the glory for booting Marissa? Well shit man, call up Ghandia, Tijuana, and LaGrossa and let them know how amazing they are cause they pretty much threw a name out that their teams ate up with their seasons first boots too.

Shit, even finding an idol without clues isn't that impressive. You found it under a bridge and in a giant, fucking hole in a tree in the middle of your campsite. Anyone with the time on their hands that you had can do that. And now that people realize it can be done, Survivors are doing it left and right. Some in actual, real hiding places.

What makes Russell even worse is it's that asshole behavior that got us started with all the awful 'veterans vs noobs' trudge that Survivor is just now finding its way out of. Think about it, Russell doesn't act like a douche on Samoa, he doesn't get called back for HvV cause it's 'good TV' and doesn't gloat about beating Boston Rob at the reunion which doesn't prompt Rob to challenge him and 'kick his ass' out on the island and give the producers that shitty idea. Hope you remembered to give Russell a big thank you on his answering machine Rob.

And can we take a moment to just talk about how delusional this guy is? How can a guy be 0 and 2 and still boast that he's better than a player who's 2 and 2? How can you talk about having so much love and respect for the game and then say you only lost because it's broken? How can you lose season after season after season and still say you're game is perfect without learning a damned thing? I just....I can't...I don't understand how anyone can be this mental...


NaOnka Mixon (Nicaragua)

If I believed that NaOnka gave a shit about Survivor, I would probably think she just copied Jenna Morasca's strategy of ostracizing people she didn't care for and then multiplying her disdain for them 500 times too far. I'm not sure if anyone really has a memory of NaOnka that doesn't involve her being a complete bitch. Whenever she felt like she was being disrespected or didn't like a particular person, NaOnka sure made sure her opinion was heard loud and unclear. Oh yeah, and fuck whoever didn't like her attitude cause that's just the way she is. Translation: I can be as loud and obnoxious as I want cause it's your problem, not mine.

And that pretty much sums up everything NaOnka brought to the show, just a nasty attitude and a quit. She didn't like the people, she didn't appreciate the experience, and as I said, she didn't even care about Survivor in the first place. That might not of been so bad if it didn't take up 3/4ths of the season, but at least she was decent enough to quit on her own accord and spare us from even more of her garbage.

Colton Cumbie (One World, Blood vs Water)

The only thing that's worse than using racism as an excuse to justify your behavior is actually being a racist.

Okay, that's a little unfair, I don't actually believe Colton is a racist. I just think he's a really dumb kid who doesn't fully understand how to keep his mouth in check. Colton is a kid who spent the majority of his season whining. And I don't mean just the typical 'it rained so much and I'm coooooold' stuff we've grown accustomed to hearing at least once a season. I'm talking grade-A, top shelf, bring-out-the-good-cheese-and-pour-me-a-glass-of-that-high-quality whine. When he was on the mens tribe, he whined that he had nothing in common with any of them despite doing dick-all to try and fit in with them. When he hung out with the women's team, he eventually grated on their nerves so badly they had to send him away which led to another confessional of Colton whining that nobody liked him and he had no where to go. Finally, the tribes were reshuffled and Colton was put on a tribe with one of the person he got along best with: Alicia. So that should be enough to lighten his spirits right? Nope. After a brief whine that the other tribe has all the muscle and losing a challenge, Colton lets the power run to his head as he and Alicia bully the living shit out of Christina. I don't know what she did to deserve such hatred from the duo (as well as a few other castaways who had some awful comments about her), but when Colton gleefully told Christina to go lie down in the fire and cackled at his own hilarious joke, a ruptured appendix was just what I was hoping for (while he was on fire, but I'll take what I can get).

It isn't like he learned a lot when he returned for BvW either. After a couple interviews where he talks about how he hoped he could redeem his image, he spent the first interview crying about being away from Caleb for a whole 2 days and then crying about feeling like an outsider his whole life to crying that nobody wanted to strategize at camp to eventually crying himself out of the game entirely. Ugh....

Colton is the kind of person Joffery from Game of Thrones would be if you stripped away all his power and authority. He sucks. He sucks badly.



Brandon Hantz (South Pacific, Caramoan)

It's ironic isn't it? You come on Survivor to save the family name and yet you come out looking worse than the guy who fucked it up for you in the first place.

Brandon's....most memorable moment aside, he was awful. First off, I didn't have a care in the world about him being a Hantz. All families have that one member they wish to sweep under the rug before their boy/girlfriend gets to them. But Brandon wanted to be damned sure everyone got the memo that he was a totally different person. 'Hello America, yeah I'm a Hantz, but cross my heart I'm trying to be different.' 'As Russell's nephew, I feel a large amount of pressure to being on Survivor. I'm trying to play a completely different game then him.' 'I cut my hands at the challenge. Hey, speaking of Hantz, did I mention I am one. I got it tattooed on my back for Christ sake.' It just got stupid. And it's not even that interesting a character arc. 'Oh hey, that kid is totally different from another member of his family. That's only the plot point of every mediocre sitcom ever.'

Which made me really doubt all the religious talk was even real. It just seemed like he read a book written by a Twilight fanfiction writer on how to change your image to the world and it said 'oh yeah, be sure to mention how fond you are of the Christianity religion' so he made time for it in between his family tree chat. But it was worse then that. It turned out Brandon was totally sincere about the stuff he was saying. And hey, that's fine. However you wanna live and all that. But Brandon took the entire Catholic mindset and used it as his guiding thinking light. 'Mikayla is trying to seduce me with her hot body. As a Christian, I should vote her out so I don't stray.' C'mon Brandon. Don't use religion as a shield for your rape urges.

Brandon was also so weird with his thinking process too. I mean, did he ever once follow through with something he said he'd do? First he was never going to tell anyone he was a Hantz, then the guilt ate him up so he told them. In Caramoan, he walked around talking about how he wanted to quit the game and then a few edits later and he's talking about how he changed his mind again. And I'm sorry, but I've seen the episode 3 times and I'm still not entirely sure I know what would cause Brandon to think giving up immunity was a good  idea...at top 5

So yeah, all this combined with the ugliest moment in the history of the show earns Brandon a spot in the top 3 most disliked Survivors.


Corinne Kaplan (Gabon, Caramoan)

Corinne isn't a person who had a chance in hell of getting very high. She was nasty, rude, and unnecessarily pissy towards people who would nonchalantly say 'well I didn't really know who to vote for so I was gonna vote you just cause. (shrug).'

But no, Corinne gets this low for the exact reason you expect: her nasty comments aimed at Sugar. Allow me to refresh your memory:

'Sugar, you're an unemployed, uneducated leech on society and the only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of antidepressants so that no one else has to be subjected to your constant crying anymore and maybe if you got some then it would seem a little bit more sincere when you are crying about your dead father.'

That's bad enough on its own, but what I found even more infuriating was her pathetic excuse for it at the reunion show. Corinne explained that the reason she makes the comments we saw was because she's just one of those special gems that speaks her mind without using a filter like most people do. Whatever she thinks, it's what she says.

Um...first of all, no. That's the kind of bullshit people pull out of their ass when the cops ask them why they have pot in their glove compartment. People don't go throughout their day-to-day lives thinking 'okay brain, remember. Don't take the thing the person is most sensitive about and throw it into their face.' People Decent human beings just know not do that cause it's awful behavior. Second, what is the difference in filtering what you say to avoid certain topics and filtering what you say to make what you say hurt as much as possible. Just listen to what Corinne said. She obviously put some time into thinking about what she was gonna say and she obviously phrased it in a way to hurt as much as possible. You know, like she filtered it. Just another flawed argument from a flawed person.


Shamar Thomas (Caramoan)

Well so far, we're 5 entries in and 4 of them have been involved in the Caramoan season. That's not a coincidence CBS. Your casting sucked that season!

Does it really need to be said about Shamar? The guy maybe had 2 moments on camera where he wasn't a complete douche. Shamar was lazy, opinionated, loud, arrogant, rude, stupid, stubborn, immature, childish, worthless, and was only along for the ride as a tool. . Glad I got this guy fighting for my team -_-

Which I thinks says a lot about Shamar. I realize I'm only speculating and this is only going off an edit, but Shamar seems like one of those people who served time in the military and now feels entitled to everything life has to offer him. Not generalizing all war veterans, but we all know the type of person I'm talking about. Somebody did a few years living the hard life as a soldier, and then get back home to treat the world like their personal door mat and demand the respect from everyone they come in contact with. Shamar's attitude was awful and may he never return for a second season.

Phillip Sheppard (Redemption Island, Caramoan)

Over 400 players to choose from and yet the choice for 'most disliked, vile disgrace of a human being' couldn't of been more easy. There are many reasons to hate Phillip but I think what it all boils down too is he is not a person who loves Survivor; he's not a person who came to have an adventure; hell, I don't even think he gives a shit about winning a million dollars. He's just a man who loooooooooooves being in the spotlight (as if walking around in pink tighty whities isn't enough of a clue). He's a man who relishes in the in the sun and spouts dumb stupid shit cause it's the best way he can guarantee himself extra TV time. Every one of his personal interviews is about a vision he had or about whooping kids in basketball or how he's just so smart and everyone else doesn't respect him and blah blah blah. You can even see it in the way he performs in challenges: yelling 'tribal screams' at players (and fuck that editor who made it look like it was working) and his showboating behavior as he threw bags at boxes.

But Phillips not only a guy who loves to ear rape you by flapping his gums. No, his lack of IQ also makes him a terrible Survivor player. Now there isn't anything particularly wrong with being a bad Survivor player, some people just don't have the chops. But Phillip can't admit defeat, oh no, he has to go around and make everyone know he's right and you're wrong with his piss poor argument that he 'studied under the game of Boston Rob' which um...a) no you didn't, b) even if you did, it's not what you should be doing, c) even if you did, you're doing it wrong and a bunch of other flawed reasons that we don't have time or letters in the alphabet for.

But the worst thing, the WORST FUCKIN THING about Phillip is he's a man who does not accept responsibility for his actions. The perfect example were his accusations of racism towards Steve for having the gull to tell Phillip to stop being such lunatic. After making it his personal mission to make the former Zapatera members as miserable as he could by outcasting and verbally thrashing them on a regular basis, Phillip decides he's entitled to a portion of the rice they brought over despite the former Ometepe members not even sharing their shelter with them, because in Phillips world, it's only fair to share everything equally except for the stuff his team won on his own. When Steve steps up and tells him they should at least console another member of their group on it, Phillip responds the only way we expect Phillip too and goes fuckin ballistic. Steve tells Phillip to stop acting crazy and BOOM! Phillip is pulling out the race card and throwing a whole bunch of stupid bullshit to anyone willing to give him the time of day.

Now I want to be careful with the way I phrase this cause racism is a real thing and as a white male, I don't want to act as though I pretend to know more about it than people within the ethnic minority, but as someone with an opinion on this particular incident, I find this behavior atrocious. Phillip gets to yell, scream, kick, and whine all damned day about getting his way and when somebody finally calls him out on his behavior, Phillip gets out of it the only way he knows how by taking a sensitive subject like racism and throwing it back in their face. He doesn't have to explain his disgusting behavior, it puts the attention on somebody else; and Phillip gets to walk away feeling like he didn't do anything wrong. Oh yeah, and he goes ahead and steals the rice out of the container anyway cause hey, he's already made himself out to be an ass so he might as well go the full mile right?

Phillip isn't just the worst kind of Survivor, he's the worst kind of person. As Malcolm said, he takes the fun out of a game, not only for the players, but to the viewers as well. Fuck you Phillip Sheppard. I hope to never see you within 100 miles of this show ever again.

So there you are, the first entry in the ranking. Promise not all of them will be this long, but there is so much wrong with Phillip, it couldn't be explained in a single paragraph.

The Start of 'Every Survivor Ever' Ranking

So if it wasn't already clear, I love Survivor and I love rankings. So I decided now that Cagayan has ended, today seems just as good a time as any to announce the latest project I've been working on: the ranking of every single Survivor to ever play the game from my personal least to most favorite.

Here are the rules of the list:

1) This is strictly people I like based on what I've seen on the show and how I personally interpreted what I saw. Nothing to do with how the Survivor played strategically (although that can factor in on how I personally like or dislike somebody).

2) To keep things simple, the only thing that is considered is how a player was during the time on the TV show including the reunion. Nothing to do with their behavior on facebook/twitter/ect., where they are now, ponderosa, secret scenes, news footage, interviews outside the show, or edit. The reasoning is cause 1) there are simply too many Survivors for me to research and get a grasp on if their personality matches what we saw on the show and 2) even Survivors who do pull out the 'poor edit' card can't be taken at face value simply cause of all the reasons they may have to try and save face. This is strictly based on what was said and done while they were in the game. As a result, there may be Survivors I greatly dislike who may be perfectly awesome people and vice versa.

3) As time goes on, my opinion on players may change. Don't be surprised to see Survivors moved around from time to time.

The bottom of the barrel will be posted soon. I hope you enjoy ^_^

Survivor Winners Ranking

Survivor Winners Rank

3/24/15 update - Natalie Anderson is on


28th- Amber Brkich (Winner of the 8th season All Stars)

...or as she's more commonly known as: 'the girl who was sucking Boston Robs face.' And really, that pretty much sums up Ambers' game. After making deals, alliances, and promises with everyone in his Chapera and merged Chaboga Mogo tribe, Rob decided to keep his word to the young, pretty one dumb enough to let his unbrushed-for-10-days tongue down her throat. Who-da thunk? I've watched All Stars a share number of times in order to be fair to Amber. I've paid close attention, paused, rewound, and put the episodes in slow-mo and there wasn't anything. Nothing. Nada. Not a single decision that Amber made for herself that Rob did not think of first. And when given the opportunity to defend her game from a jury so furious at Rob they were grasping at any reason NOT vote for him, her answers were so pitiful and paper thin, you'd of thought they were a starving African child. Sorry babe, someones gotta be last and you fit the title of 'Survivors Worst Winner' like a glove



27th- Jud 'Fabio' Birza (Winner of the 21st season Nicaragua)

Mmmmmm. Look at those flowing, blond locks. The rockin bod. The downcast face. It's enough to make you want to eat ice cream off that six pack. Is it any wonder how he got a nickname like Fabio? But what Fabio has in good genes, he certainly lacks in IQ. Fabio benefited to being the luckiest winner ever by being the only dumb player in a season full of over-strategists. While Sash, Holly, Brenda, Jane, Marty, and Chase were busy chasing each others tails, no one thought to give the ganja smoking shmuck a glance until he began going on his immunity challenge run. It's the one thing he did that places him over Amber.




26th - Jenna Morasca (Winner of the 6th season Amazon)

Never have I seen a Survivor winner get to the end by making so many mistakes. Jenna was repulsive, rude, lazy, opinionated, and not the sharpest tool in the shed in Amazon. Her main contributions to winning were forming a bond with the one person who was equally as bitchy as her, winning two crucial immunity challenges, and being smart enough to take Matt to the end instead of Rob (and even then, she had a 50-50 chance of making the right choice). Aside from that, Jenna made it clear that she was only interested in forming relationships to the people she liked and were beneficial to her. If you weren't in her cool clique, well too bad Chad, she doesn't have time for you. She's got a hard enough life, what with her being pretty and all. And lets not forget how her loud, flapping gums almost screwed her out of her strongest ally at the surprise tribe switch with Dave. Jenna's game is riddled with holes and flaws, but she scraped just enough together to get herself into a 6-1 win.


25th- Ethan Zohn (Winner of the 3rd season Africa)

After 2 seasons of Survivor, Ethan had his whole game worked out. He would form relationships with his castmates, form a tight alliance with the people he liked, and go to the end with them. And.....that's pretty much how it ends. While Ethan had to endure one of the most difficult Survivor environments of all time, strategically he had probably the easiest run. The young Samburu members discriminated their older teammates that supplied easy leverage to sway; Kelly pulled a James Bond to sneak valuable information to keep her and his Boran alliance mates in the game; Brandon screwed up a key opportunity to overthrow his alliances' error; Kim won two key immunity challenges that ended up working in his favor; and Lex was too busy following orders from his tummy and being a douche about it thus keeping a lot of heat off Ethan. All key components that contributed to his win, but nothing he did directly.


24th - Tony Vlachos (Winner of the 28th season Cayauan)

Let me just be clear: Tony literally looking like the dick he was on the show has nothing to do with his low ranking. Tony has been givin a lot of praise for his work in Cagayan. Some say he's the new 'King of Survivor' and has even compared him to Russell Hantz.  But the truth is Tony was such a paranoid schizophrenic that half of his alliance members were nervously chatting about possibly booting him a lil bit earlier. When Tony began orchestrating blindsides behind their backs, some alliance members started to talk to the enemy about jumping ship. Luckily for Tony, his sidekick, Trish, was given the position of 'ease the nerves of Tony's victims' and would have to constantly reassure everyone that Tony was not the hitman he seemed to want to be because Tony's llama talk wasn't gonna get him anywhere. Tony also loses major points for being a repulsive tool who couldn't keep his mouth in check at times, blurting out to someone nicknamed 'Chaotic Kass' for God sakes that he had an idol in order to beat her in a squabble. Sorry Tony, but when your biggest moves are digging the most holes for idols, giving one of the worst FTCs ever, and winning back the trust of Asian Fabio, you're not gonna do better then bottom 5.


23rd- Chris Daughtry (Winner of the 9th season Vanuatu)

Yes, the man who came back from a 6-1 number disadvantage is in the bottom half of the list. On paper, Chris' win looks incredible. His Y-chromosome alliance was gone and he was left on his own to fend off six women and succeeded in making it to the end and winning. Many people say Chris pulled off this impossible task by being charming, savvy, and intelligent. The thing many people seem to forget was Twila practically having to spell out the move he had to do in small, drawn out words to get it through his skull. His pitch to Eliza wasn't exactly a great sell either. That's right, the great switch that turned the game on his head? The one we all praise Chris for? He didn't even think it up. Sure he was the one who actually got Eliza to agree to his poor pitch, but he was only playing a part to Twila's plan. Twila used Chris as a pawn to get herself and Scout back in the numbers and the only reason Chris is a millionaire over her is cause Twila can't hold a bow back for as long as Chris. That isn't to say Chris doesn't have game but it's nothing to write home about.

22nd - James 'JT' Thomas Jr (Winner of the 18th season Tocantins)

Cute, ain't he? And charming too. Were you happy when he won Tocantins? Well so was everyone else apparently cause JT is the only player to have a number of castaways speak about how much they would just loooooooooooove to see JT win. And their actions showed it when the Timbira members practically shoved each other out of the way in order to be the first to offer him a Final 3 deal despite having the numbers advantage at merge. And that's where JT's biggest flaw in his win shows. Using charm and charisma is a valid and respectable strategy, but JT did is so well it kept him from having to make any really hard decisions. He was never at any real disadvantage and because of his high number of immunity wins, he was never really in any danger as well. Without having to take any risks or play much of a mental game, JT can only get as high as 21 in the winners rank list.

21st- Aras Baskauskas (Winner of the 12th season Exile Island)

You know, I originally had the golden boy pegged as a mixed bag winner, but in order for that to occur, you need to be able to pull of some good moves. Aras...doesn't seem to have many and that kinda surprised me. In fact, I think the most impressive thing about Aras' game was being able to survive off no food, little sleep, extreme levels of discomfort, and get all the way to day 39 with the biggest group of varied, random weirdos you could only find in a Saturday morning cartoon. I'll give Aras his credit: his ability to form relationships, mainly Cirie, got him out of a few tough spots but it was doesn't change the fact that it was Cirie who obtained the critical info and without her, Aras didn't have much of a plan B. He couldn't win an immunity over Terry and hell, he couldn't even win a final immunity challenge to guarantee himself a spot in the finals. Instead, he was at the mercy of Danielle where he gave her a BS guilt trip over why he should be the one to go to the end (and we're not even sure if that helped him).

20th - Bob Crowley (Winner of the 17th season Gabon)

I've previously chastised people who have said Bob did nothing except ally himself with Sugar who was going through a difficult time with her father passing away. While I do think Bob deserves more credit then people give him, I can't deny Bob is on the weaker tier of players who got his win with more luck then skill. His hard work and likable personality is what got him into the Onion Alliance, but it was the luck of the double tribal switch that separated him from them and kept him alive. He was smart enough to integrate himself in Matty and Sugars alliance by giving a fake idol to ex-ally Randy (and with enough skill to make the idol look real enough to pull it off), but it was luck that Kenny and Crystals arrogance is what grated on Sugar enough to boot them before him. And while he ended up at the Final Tribal Council, he was lucky that Sugar played a stronger case for him then he did. Throw in a few key immunity challenge wins and you have an average player at worst.





19th - Richard Hatch (Winner of the 1st season Borneo)

That's right! I'm calling it! The most overrated season of Survivor also has the most overrated winner. Richard Hatch gets an unreal amount of credit for being the only person to think up a strategy that could've been thought of one more season later. Yes, he was the only person on the season to figure it out. Yes, he was one of the few people to not consider alliances 'something evil,' but c'mon people! Is it really so hard to figure out the concept of  'get a group to all vote in a majority' in a game about voting? I'm sorry, but I just have a hard time believing that had Richard not of discovered the idea of alliances, no one in the millions of people that watched and then applied for season 2 (or at most 3) would've created what Hatch is known for now. What's more, Richard has shown us how well he is when he's within a group of players who know what the hell they're doing when he played in All Stars. I think we all know how that one turned out.



18th - 'Boston Rob' Mariano (Winner of the 22nd season Redemption Island)

Speaking of overrated, here we have the legendary Boston Rob, the man many regard as the best Survivor of all time. I agree that the man is as very good player. He brought a higher level of strategy and social skills with him every time he played. His win in Redemption Island was flawless. He put everyone in his tribe against the few who were (justifiably) threatened by his presence. He made sure everyone completely disregarded the Zapetera members as leeches who's only purpose of talking to anyone within his Ometepe alliance were to turn them against one another. He made perfect, concrete, believable stories to everyone that he wanted to take them to the end with him. And he succeeded in making it the the Final Tribal Council with the only two people on the season he had a chance at beating. Yet, you can't help but be so much less impressed by all that when you know Boston Rob was on his 4th time playing on a season with people who had never played the game before. He was also blessed by the casting gods by being on a team with Phillip Sheppard, a man who made it his sole duty to be the biggest train wreck of a person he could manage, thus taking a lot of heat off Rob and putting a lot of negative attention onto himself.



17th - John Cochran (Winner of the 26th season Caramoan)

Like Boston Rob, Cochran was a player that played a very strong game in his season. But that win is greatly diminished when you realize he was put on a team who knew and liked him before the season even began. This has always been the main problem with casting multiple veterans in a season: so many people know each other within the Survivor circles and communication over plans and side deals are inevitable. It's even worse when you throw a group of first timers into the mix because they do not have that same advantage. Also like Boston Rob, Cochran was able to use the Phillip Sheppard shield and let him loudly and aggressively be the leader of the alliance, soaking up all the focus and negative attention upon himself while Cochran smiled on the sideline, a strategy only as obvious as 'be in the majority.' In fact, I'd say the only main difference in Boston Rob and Cochrans gameplay is Boston Rob played four times against a complete group of noobs while Cochran only played twice with half a group of veterans (some of these veterans actually pretty good).






16th - Natalie Anderson (Winner of the 29th season San Juan del Sur)

Huh. 'Be invisible til the end' is such a deceptively simple strategy I wonder why no one has done it up until now. Nearly all of Natalie's game seemed to revolve around staying in the majority, keeping her head down, and building relationships until it was the key time to pull the trigger. When Missy decided it was better to stay true to Jon, Natalie was able to use her relationship with Baylor to help out her game and take out her biggest threat. Then, with Jaclyn on the outs, Natalie used her vote to make another big move and finally give the season the pulse it so desperately needed. Knowing Jaclyn and Missy had too many enemies and not enough game, all Natalie had to do was flash those dimples of hers and list the 2 or 3 big moves she made to claim her check.



15th- Todd Herzog (Winner of the 15th season China)

Todd came a long way from being 'the little boy that dreamed of being on Survivor' to becoming one of the youngest winners ever. But like JT and Bob, there is too much luck and not enough skill in his game to rank him any higher. Todd was never really in any sort of danger, so there was never really any difficult decisions he had to make. His Fei Long tribe dominated the Zhan Hu team until the player switch where the new Zhan Hu tribe played the incredibly smart strategy of throwing immunity challenges a total of one whole time. Gaining the numbers at merge time, Jaime, Frosti, Erik, and Peih Gee were all easy picking for Todd and his alliance until he easily made Final Tribal Council and made an ass-kissing speech so well spoken, Chris Daughtry would've shed a tear. Todds' game wasn't without errors either as he made bad decisions such as ever so graciously letting Amanda be the one to try and steal immunity from Peih Gee while he chose to suck down burgers and watch.  A decent winner with a decent game.

14th- Parvati Shallow (Winner of the 16th season Fans vs Favorites)

Ugh. As much as I might despise this woman, I can't deny that Parvati is one of the strongest players in the Survivor roster. In Fans vs Favorites, she demonstrated her strong social skills of building players up and forming connections before cutting them loose and not a bad challenge performer either.However, it doesn't change the fact that Parvati had a huge advantage going into Micronesia since half the cast either quit or starstruck to the point of committing game suicide. To give credit where it's due, Parvati had a few rough obstacles to overcome between Ozzy, Cirie, and Amanda, but let's not forget she's been on record to admitting she was planning on there being a Final 3 Tribal Council where her and Amanda would most likely have to watch Cirie be crowned the million dollars. She was also blessed to be on a season where her competition was so brain dead and enamored with her they were asking about her sex life disguised as jury questions. A solid game player to be sure, but it's easy to stand tall when you're surrounded by hobbits.




13th- Tyson Apostol (Winner of the 27th season Blood vs Water)

The strongest veterans vs newcomers winner in my opinion. Mainly because we finally had some newcomers who were actually pretty good. So good in fact, that some of them were actually able to put their thinking caps on and figure out maybe they shouldn't put their game in the hands of the powerful, ringleader calling all the shots and probably didn't have all their best intentions at heart. But Tyson was always able to stay one step ahead of everyone else by keeping certain hidden idol shaped advantages out of other peoples hands and keeping tight bonds with the people he felt would be beneficial towards him. The biggest example being his relationship with Ciera coming through for him when she tattled on Caleb and Hayden. And even though he had a problem keeping his mouth in check at times, Tyson was able to fix any damage done with a strong, solid Final Tribal Council. Good winner, strong player. If only it didn't take him two previous trial and errors to get there.




12th- Vecepia Towery (Winner of the 4th season Marquesas)

I sum up Vecepia's game the same way as everyone else does: under the radar. Unlike everyone else though, I find Vecepia's method of 'under-the-radar-ness' to be very crafty. Maybe even dangerous. She managed to scrap together just enough to get herself into the merge with her and her ex Maaramu tribemates at a pretty bad number disadvantage. However, while Rob and Sean were busy making side deals, getting caught, cussing everyone out, and committing game suicide upon themselves, Vecepia made sure she was making a social connection with everyone she possibly could and learning about them. She learned where they stood in their alliances', what they intended to do, how they thought, what their plans were, and how she could use this information to work the best angle she could for herself when the opportunity was right. Shortly after watching her win her season, Matt Nix came up with the idea of the TV series Burn Notice and would fly out to Hollywood to pitch his idea. True story. Unfortunately for Vee though, she was also given one of the luckiest breaks of all time with the coconut challenge that all but pinned a flashing number of the order in which the Rotu 4 planned to vote out their tribemates. Still, her subtle social game is not to be unappreciated.

11th- Sophie Clark (Winner of the 23rd season South Pacific)

Sophie is often considered one of the weaker winners for doing, what many are calling, "nothing." What's so ironic about that is the people who believe this aren't entirely incorrect, but Sophie had to do so much in order to stay in the position of doing "nothing." Sophie had at least a Final 5 deal wrapped up on her first night with the perfect group of people for her (perfect meaning for her to win. Not perfect to her sanity). Rick came off as worthless, Albert came off as sleazy, and Coach and Brandon were too busy trying to pass themselves off as disciples of Jesus for anyone to take seriously. Add a twice "redempted" Ozzy and you have a threat to take all the focus away from you and Sophie was a sure thing to win so long as Ozzy didn't make it to finals. The main issue? Her main ally Albert. Albert was so damned eager to rock the boat and stray from their original agreements and while that may have been good for Albert, it was disastrous to Sophie's game. Sophie had to constantly yank hard on Albert's leash and tell him to be a good boy all for her own best interests of course. And if that's not enough for you haters, consider this: Sophie is a first timer winner who beat two three-time returning veterans. Once by outplaying Coach and once by outperforming Ozzy. That's impressive.




10th- Tina Wesson (Winner of the 2nd season Australian Outback)

Unlike Hatch, Tina's a winner who had to figure out how to win with a group of people who figured out long ago the proper way to play Survivor which made Australia miles ahead of Borneo in terms of strategy (as well as every season after that). With nearly everyone copying the Hatch method and jumping into alliances of some way shape or form, Tina went beyond that and relied on people she could trust and building upon those relationships. This was key with her partnership with Colby who decided it was better to lose to Tina then win against the much more disliked Keith. Tina loses a few points due to the luck of God hating Michael Skupin, but in my opinion, she is the first Survivor to win the game in it's truest form, thus making it into the top 10.




9th - Brian Heidik (Winner of the 5th season Thailand)

Or as I like to call him "Redemption Island Rob without the 4th attempt." Brian is such a fascinating example because his game was near flawless. Forming an alliance with everyone on his team; pitching a sub-alliance story to everyone within that alliance that involved them in a Final 2 in why it was in their best interests to not stray from it; and brought the one person to the end the jury wanted to see lose more than him after he betrayed them all. That's a lot of solid tap dancing to do without getting caught but if anyone could've pulled it off, it's the car salesman. The only flaw in Brian's game was spending so much time building fake relationships and not enough time forming real ones. It was a mistake that nearly cost him his million dollar check as was evident at the Final Tribal Council (Penny: "Brian, do I have any brothers or sisters?"   Brian: "Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh.....") . What keeps Brian from getting any higher on the list is his game was so perfect, he didn't have any major hardships to overcome. He was never at a numbers disadvantage, he was never in a minority vote, and he never had anyone try to go against him. Yes, a lot of that was due to his careful strategic planning and I realize the stupidity in saying 'he gets this low because of how good he was' but almost every winner ranked above Brian had to play just just as hard a strategic game as he did plus overcome a game disadvantage that was not necessarily that players fault.




8th- Kim Spradlin (Winner of the 24th season One World)

Or as I like to call her 'Redemption Island Rob without the 4th attempt and Brian Heidik without the sleaze.' To me Brian was the one to play the nearly game perfectly for a long time, but Kim actually succeeded in pulling it off. Not only does Kim manage to do everything Brian accomplished in Thailand, but she was able to improve upon it. Like Brian, she fed everyone a story of how she wanted to go the Finals with them and why taking her was in their best interest. Unlike Heidik, Kim did it in two different tribes she was a part of. Kim also had to deal with alliance members growing suspicious and paranoid of her true intentions and Kim was forced to keep the ship steady in order to keep herself and her allies out of danger. But even without all that, what I think worked best for Kims game (and is probably the most surprising realization if you think about it) is Survivor was not a 'business trip' for her but a real experience where she formed true bonds with the people she lived with.

7th- Natalie White (Winner of the 19th season Samoa)

I've previously mentioned my disgust towards people who slap Natalie with the 'worst winner evaaaar' label. Mainly cause most of those people don't see anything past Natalie's game other than Russell's dumbass girl. This is completely false info. It's not a matter of opinion or whether you liked Russell or not. It's just complete, dumb, incorrect info. It's like saying 'Twilight is the greatest love story ever written, but that's just my opinion.' You're just wrong. Not even close. It's simple: she made an alliance with Russell and realized that all the players making aggressive plays against him were being targeted and sent home. Like a good Survivor player, she adjusted her gameplay accordingly and made a conscious decision to play in a way that Russell would not find threatening and take her to the end. Russell thought he was controlling her, but in reality it was Natalie controlling him and he had no idea until the FTC. That's a smart play and she explained it perfectly in her FTC. Russell may have outwitted and outplayed most of the Survivor players in Samoa, but Natalie only had to outplay one.

6th- Danni Boatwright (Winner of the 11th season Guatemala)

There's something beautiful about a hottie stuck in Guatemala with a group of nutjobs and being able mind-rape each one of them by turning their paranoia against them and being a better person than Judd (which admittedly is easier to do then getting sunburn while walking on the sun). When she was the last woman standing in her alliance, she bought herself extra time by winning key immunities and used it to observe the cracks in her opponents. After voting out Jamie, she used the unstable minds of Judd and Cindy to her advantage to plant seeds of doubt into the paranoid Stephanie, the holier-than-thou Rafe, and the 'treat-her-like-cannon-fodder-and-make-sure-she-knows-it-cause-whats-the-worst-that-can-happen-to-us' Lydia. Despite being all  by herself, Danni used mind manipulation and important challenge victories to land herself in just a dream of a F2 FTC situation against Lagrossa who at some point said 'fuck it, I'm ok with 2nd' and screwed herself as badly as she could.

5th- Denise Stapley (Winner of the 25th season Philippines)

Does it really need to be said? For starters, I don't know any other player who has been to every tribal council before getting to the end and winning. Second, the woman is over 40 years old. Older players, especially women, seldom get anything other then the 'weak link' edit before getting voted out somewhere around episode 5. Denise had a lot to prove physically and she achieved it not only with her dying Matsing tribe, but being the minority of Kalabaw as well. That in by itself is impressive. Speaking of, Denise had remained in the majority of 3 separate tribe. Three different groups and combinations of people and Denise managed to do well enough to keep herself alive and neglect making herself a target. And while Denise may get criticized for explaining (correctly) why certain terrible personalities are terrible, she was able to clean up her mess well enough to earn back any votes she could've potentially lost. No harm, no foul.

4th- Earl Cole (winner of the 14th season Fiji)

Earl gets the 4th place ranking for winning on a season that was filled with nutjobs, difficult obstacles to overcome, and more nutjobs. First, he was placed on the Ravu tribe, a tribe that is still remembered as one of the worst tribes of all time. Still, Earl picked all the right allies for himself to keep himself around until the tribe switch up. Next was the issue of the Four Horsemen alliance, their idol, and Dreamz who's word was a flimsy as his choice in nicknames and the way he spells them. With a surprise,challenge twist costing him one of his most loyal allies, Earl was forced to sit down and really think hard for what his next best move should be. He pulled in Boo and Stacy which proved to be one of the best ideas as they would help him orchestrate the best blindside of all time, take out Edgardo, and gain the advantage back. And with the luck of Dreamz doing the dirty work for him, Earl was able to easily win in a 9-0-0 vote by giving the best Final Tribal Councils I've ever seen (some say it would've been a blowout loss for Earl if he had gone to the end with Yauman like he was planning too, but I'm not so sure it woul've been the landslide loss everyone thinks). And if you're still on the fence about Earl being a good player, I have three words for you: '...it's a turtle?'

3rd- Tom Westman (Winner of the 10th season Palau)

You know what I love most about Tom? That he was able to be such a huge badass and still win. Survivor is one of those games where putting yourself front in center and displaying the power of your awesome-ness is considered bad strategy. But like his poor ability to handle his liquor, Tom was unable to conceal it. So what's a badass to do? For starters, you form strong bonds and relationships with everyone you can, including annoying and possibly psychotic outcasts like Caryn and Janu. Then, when people in alliances start to waiver away, calmly remind them that they have sucked thus far in challenges and you'll be a rough thorn in their side for the rest of their days (it may sound weird, but one of my favorite scenes is of Tom warning Katie not to stray off with the girls in a business like fashion only to have Katie ruin the moment by whining 'Tom sucks todaaaaaay' in her voiceover). Lastly, be intelligent and weigh out the risk and reward of the decisions you make like pulling rocks when you realize you are no longer in control. Even with a target on his back the size of a small country, Tom showed he had the brains to match his brawns and will remain in my Top 5 best winners list for a long time.

2nd- Yul Kwon (winner of the 13th season Cook Islands)

I see so many Survivor Winner lists with an asterisk next to Yul because of that 'overpowered idol' garbage. I'm not saying the idol wasn't a huge piece to Yul's victory, but it certainly isn't the 'you may automatically pass Go and automatically collect one million dollars' free pass that everyone says it was. For proof, just look at Terry Deitz for a perfect example on how not to use it. The truth is, the idol was still an important tool that needed careful planning in order to obtain the most usage one could from it. Yul succeeded in this when swaying Penner over, a play that could've seriously backfired on him. And if that's not enough proof, I don't think the idol was what gave Yul awesome persuasion power when convincing Cao Boi to vote Cecilia over Becky (a move that could've changed Yuls whole game) and I don't think the idol forced the jury members to vote for Yul over Ozzy, a competitor with just as strong a chance of winning as Yul did. Regardless, Yul has played one of the strongest strategic games of all time and deserves his rank as one of Survivors best winners.

1st- Sandra Diaz-Twine (winner of the 7th and 20th seasons Pearl Islands and Heroes vs Villains)

No matter how many ways you slice it, when you're 2 for 2 in your Survivor games, you're somebody to be reckoned with. And yet it never ceases to amaze me the amount of stupidity that omits from peoples mouths when they disregard Sandra as a floater who must be giving Jesus 15% of her paycheck every day since He loves her enough to aid her in falling ass backwards into a million dollars.....twice. To me, that makes about as much sense as people who deny that the holocaust ever happened. For one, Sandra has the challenge performance of someone who would normally go home premerge, with or without an alliance. Second, she  doesn't depend on idols as a main method of making sure she makes it through every Tribal Council. Just pure, plain strategy and debate. She has enough personality to make you want her around, uses just enough aggression to keep you from taking advantage of her, and is bright enough not to shove herself to fair in center stage to make people want to pay closer attention to you. She's simply a crafty thinker who can go toe-to-toe with the best of them on their best day and make you look like a moron in the process (I'm looking at you Fairplay and Russell). Yes, she's like every Survivor player in the game and has made mistakes and had some outcomes turn out against her favor, but this latina gets more derecho then she does incorrecto.